No talking in The Spiral!

The Spiral. Most people who have lived with and managed depression know The Spiral. The Spiral is a tool that master manipulator we call Depression relies on. If Depression can seduce and distort and confuse a mind enough that The Spiral becomes a quick, downward-only route, Depression wins. And Depression lives while the host slowly, or not-so-slowly, dies. Depression is a vampire, feeding on souls instead of blood. Depression can most certainly be a living death.

The death of what?

Of heart, of soul. Of energy, of determination. Of feeling. Of love. Joy. Hope. Faith. Identity. Dreams.

Of a life.

The most important rule in The Spiral is this: NO TALKING! Because no talking means no sharing. No confiding. No trusting. Isolation. And that allows Depression’s voice the loudest and eventually the only one a sufferer hears. That’s when Depression goes all Barry White and cloaks its words in seduction.

More on that later.

Because I am going to talk this time.

I am spiraling and have been for a while. I’ve stopped functioning on many basic levels, a tell for me. I’ve become rather obsessed and dependent on a specific way of distracting myself, another tell. I know very well what is happening.

So why not stop it? Get help? Go to a doctor and get on meds?

There’s no talking in The Spiral! And right now I just about believe the lies Depression is constantly whispering.

No one cares. You are worthless and everyone knows it. All you ever do is fail, so why bother trying?

And the worst one? The one I am closest to believing?

YOU KNOW VERY WELL YOU ARE NOT WORTH THE EFFORT. YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD BE DEAD. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO BE DEAD.

What I hope to do with this blog is twofold. One, I hope to find a warrior inside, find my courage to get the help I need to fight. Two, I want to show whoever cares to read this the gritty inside of The Spiral. No talking also leads to no understanding, then to stigma, which leads to a lack of support seeking, which allows Depression to ravage even more. A vicious circle.

Let us talk, shall we? My name is Heather, and I know Depression.

(I currently have a broken wrist and so typing is very difficult, but I hope to post once a week. And please let it be noted that depression takes on many forms and is experienced differently by different people. This is my experience.)